Here are a few of my thoughts on this touchy subject.
When the feeling to divorce is mutual or, if your spouse at least anticipates that a divorce is coming, the conversation tends to be less stressful. Perhaps you have been in marital therapy and both agree that it was unsuccessful. Maybe there have been casual but not “official” discussions about divorce. Or it’s unspoken but understood since you have been distant and living separate lives.
But when it’s unexpected the conversation is understandably much more difficult. No one likes to be “blindsided” let alone by their spouse.
Be certain that you want a divorce before bringing the subject up.
Once you are ready, here are four suggestions:
Be firm but compassionate. Make sure to convey that there is no reasonable hope of reconciliation. Your spouse should know that the decision is final.
Be calm. Do not go on the offensive. If your spouse gets defensive, avoid striking back. Avoid arguments.
No settlement discussions. Let your spouse process their feelings. They may be hurt, angry and conflicted and therefore not the time to engage in productive negotiations.
Consider Timing. When possible, avoid this discussion around the holidays, vacations, important family events and the like. Also, consider timing as it relates to money matters. This is especially true if you are financially dependent on your spouse. Have a plan for separating households and retaining professionals.